When Competence Becomes Camouflage
- Janet Nash, MSW, LISW-S
- 6 days ago
- 4 min read
The hidden anxiety of people who appear to have everything under control
Some people wear anxiety like Lady Gaga wore a meat dress. You cannot miss it, and you cannot look away. Sometimes their anxiety seems to spray outward like a sneeze. Before long, everyone in the room is anxious, too.
Others organize their anxiety into alphabetized, color-coded folders with an accompanying resource list. They arrive twenty minutes early to set up the AV system and launch the Zoom meeting, even though the task was assigned to someone else.
These people are genuinely talented and exceedingly competent. There is no faking or denying their abilities. Employers are grateful to have them on staff because they not only get their own jobs done but also take on tasks assigned to their colleagues.
Usually, they are well-liked. Why wouldn’t they be? Wouldn’t you appreciate someone who quietly gets some of your work done without taking any of the credit?
Yet, if we could examine the internal workings of these folks, we might discover that their outstanding competence is also a cover for intense anxiety.
I know. I am a recovering extremist.
You might say that, in a past life, I was a rabid doer with a respectable number of skills. I managed to appear quite chill on the outside while several anxiety hamster wheels were operating at full capacity on the inside.
Why are some people like this?
What begins as a strength can become a survival strategy. Competence becomes camouflage when capability is used to avoid criticism, prevent conflict, maintain control, hide vulnerability, or ensure that no one becomes disappointed or angry.
What colleagues see is someone organized, calm, thoughtful, and efficient.
What the person feels is tense, vigilant, overresponsible, and deeply afraid of letting anyone down.
Where does this pattern come from?
It begins differently for each person. For some, it develops while growing up in a chaotic or emotionally unpredictable home. For others, it may arise from learning that praise came through achievement, being harshly criticized or shamed for mistakes, internalizing the belief that rest must be earned, or experiencing other pressures to perform flawlessly.
Is it possible to be too competent?
Workplaces frequently reward the overcompetent because they are overavailable, perfectionistic, emotionally contained, skilled at anticipating problems, willing to take on extra work, and unlikely to say no.
A coping strategy may be clinically exhausting and still receive an excellent performance review.
What is the cost of appearing fine? What happens beneath the polished exterior?
We may experience chronic muscle tension. Sleep becomes a wishful hope. Irritability runs high. We might develop headaches, digestive problems, and an inability to appreciate our accomplishments because we already know we will be expected to top our last performance.
We may begin to feel like imposters and fear being “found out.” There may be a sense of dread or doom that feels amorphous, without a clear source. We cannot seem to hop off the worry train, with looping stories about past or future events running endlessly through our minds.
Sometimes, we may feel like crying without fully understanding why.
When competence becomes an identity, even minor mistakes can feel like evidence of personal failure.
There is also a particular loneliness in being the reliable one—the person everyone comes to with their problems.
People may assume that you do not need support or understanding yourself. They know you as someone who likes to take charge. They believe you have everything handled. They assume that you will speak up if something is wrong.
Most often, you do not. And when you finally do, they may not take it seriously.
You may hold everything inside because admitting that you are struggling could cause people to stop trusting you. You may wonder: If I stop carrying everything, will anything hold together?
The good news is that there is a distinct difference between healthy competence and anxiety-driven overfunctioning.
Healthy competence has boundaries. It allows you to end your workday at a reasonable hour. It allows you to delegate tasks to other people. It allows for disappointment—both your own and other people’s.
It allows you to make mistakes without collapsing into shame, to be imperfect, to remain worthy while resting, and to wholeheartedly accept good enough.
How do you step out from behind the camouflage?
In small steps.
Let another competent person handle a task. Allow other people to work through their own problems rather than automatically stepping into the fixer role. Notice your body’s signals before overriding them.
Most importantly, begin separating being useful from being worthy.
The work is not to abandon competence. It is to make competence a skill rather than a condition of belonging.
Perhaps the capable person closes her laptop, but her mind continues working. She notices the impulse to check one more email, solve one more problem, or prepare for one more unlikely disaster.
Perhaps the next form of competence is learning that not everything requires our intervention.
So, arrive at the next meeting five minutes early rather than twenty. Grab a cup of coffee. Sit down while the person assigned to the AV system starts the Zoom meeting.
Take a deep breath.
Relax.
You’ve got this.
What behavior have you seen praised as professionalism that may actually be a sign of anxiety or overfunctioning?
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